When Love Bites

This book is for every young person who has found themselves with a partner who thinks it is acceptable to use abusive behaviour towards you. It doesn’t matter whether you identify as heterosexual or LGBTQ+, this book is inclusive and is for you.

It is estimated that at least 40% of all young people experience abuse within their early relationships, and it makes no difference how long those relationships last or the gender of the partners. Further, it is likely that those same people will experience abusive behaviours in future relationships, all of which will affect their wellbeing- physically, socially and sexually, and/or impact their emotional and mental health. This book aims to make clear that you are not responsible for the way you are treated by your partner or for how you feel about yourself as a result of their behaviour. You can only be responsible for your own behaviour, and in turn, your partner is responsible for the way they choose to behave towards you. If you believe that your relationship- past or present- was or is bad and “it’s all your fault” or “you were/are the problem” or “you were/are responsible for meeting your partner’s needs”, then this is the book for you.

This book explores what happens to us in relationships that are less than comfortable and happy. It gives an in-depth explanation of the many different types of abusive behaviour, who is actually responsible for this behaviour and, more importantly, how this behaviour may have impacted you and the way you see yourself. Having awareness is the first step to protecting yourself.

The book is structured in two parts. Part 1 focuses on identifying the many controlling and coercive behaviours of an abusive partner - referred to in the book as the ‘Controller’ - and how we are affected by such abusive behaviour. Part 2 provides ideas on what you can do if you find yourself on the receiving end of an abusive partner. Each chapter has a specific focus so you can either read When Love Bites from cover to cover or dip into whichever chapter seems most relevant to you in the moment.

Cathy was inspired to write When Love Bites as a result of working over three decades as a psychotherapist with thousands of people, both teenagers and adults and encompassing all sexual orientations, who have had long histories of relationship abuse. Much of this suffering could have been avoided if they had had access to the knowledge, insight and learning in their teenage years to support them to recognise abusive behaviours and the direct impact of this behaviour on their wellbeing and sense of self. Many young people today experience some of the most severe forms of abusive behaviour by their partners while they still live at home with their parents; it doesn’t only take place behind closed doors after they have started to live with their partner.