How Your Hormones Can Be Used to Manipulate You

Hormones are a tricky thing- we all have them, but they can sometimes make us feel totally out of control. Hormones are chemical messengers that coordinate functions and responses in the body. They carry messages through your system to tell your body what to do and when. These can include growth, sleeping, and love. But hormones can be used by your abusive and controlling partner to manipulate you. Here’s your guide of how.

Lust and Attraction

In the context of intimate relationships, hormones have a big part to play.

Lust is powered by testosterone and oestrogen, which drive the desire for sexual pleasure and gratification. Everyone has a level of testosterone and oestrogen impacting their libido, not just one for men and one for women.

Attraction is powered by dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, which are associated with reward, stress, and stabilising mood. When we are attracted to someone, higher levels of dopamine and norepinephrine are released, making us feel giddy, energised, and euphoric. But when we are highly attracted to another person, the increase in testosterone can also suppress serotonin, which affects our mood and decreases our appetite. The feeling of being so ‘in love’ that you can’t eat or sleep is a similar response to feeling very stressed.

Attachment is driven by oxytocin and vasopressin. Oxytocin is typically released after sex or strong intimate contact. This hormone forges our experience of bonding and connection. This is why some Controllers will use sex to end an argument, to replace bad feelings with good feelings.

However, when we break up and lose a relationship, we experience some withdrawal of dopamine and oxytocin, and it can feel like we crave the person we can no longer be with.

Attraction is driven by a number of hormones that are naturally created, but these can also be manipulated by a controlling partner.

“You always get like this on your period.”

If you menstruate, a typical way of being manipulated is to blame your reactions or perceived ‘faults’ on your hormones. For example, if you try to clarify something that just happened or feel angry or upset at something your partner has done, they may tell you:

“You must be mid-cycle.”

“You always get lairy when you’re due on.”

“I can’t take you seriously when you’re due on.”

The clever thing about the hormonal cycle being used against you is that, for some, the reality is that they don’t feel quite like themselves at particular times in their monthly cycle. Feeling a bit vulnerable is a common experience just before their period for those who menstruate at all ages. Especially if you’re younger, you might not understand how powerful and overwhelming hormones can be, and how much is out of their control in relation to your periods.

When you’re feeling out of sorts, it is easy to be drawn in to believe you are over-reacting, over-sensitive, being silly, over-emotional, and irrational. In this temporary state, you may be told, and may believe, that you got ‘it’ wrong, didn’t hear properly, must have misunderstood, or been over-dramatic. It’s not uncommon to judge things slightly differently when experiencing pre-menstrual tension (PMT) and therefore it is easily used as a weapon. Equally, if you are using any medication to adjust your hormones, like the contraceptive pill or hormone replacement therapy (HRT), this, too, can be used against you.

Your controlling partner can use your periods as an excuse to make you feel crazy.

What To Remember

Hormones are normal functions of the body and should not be confused with being bad processes. However, your hormones can be manipulated by others to carry certain messages to your body.

Remember that your hormones fluctuating are not excuses for your abusive partner. Your reaction to something hurtful that your partner has done is not invalid simply because of which hormones are increased or decreased. Do not gaslight yourself into believing that hormones can excuse poor behaviour.

Remember that hormones CAN be manipulated. If you notice patterns of your partner initiating sex to end an argument or distract from a conversation about their poor behaviour, then don’t get caught up in the hormones that increase from that. And don’t be scared about hormonal withdrawal at the end of a relationship- it’s normal, natural, and unharmful.

Awareness Matters is a training organisation offering trauma-informed programmes, trainings, and workshops on abuse-related issues, including intimate partner violence, teenage relationship abuse, and child to parent violence. Interested in hearing more about our work? Click to see our trainings below or continue to explore the website!