5 Songs About Abusive Relationships You Might Hear Differently From Now On
Domestic abuse are so common, it’s no wonder some of your favourite artists have written songs about it. Whether focusing on the physical violence of abuse or the subtleties of coercive control, there are many songs that detail the experience of abusive relationships. Here are just 5 examples from some of the biggest artists out there.
‘tolerate it’ by Taylor Swift
From her 9th album ‘evermore’, ‘tolerate it’ is a song by Taylor Swift that tells of a relationship where the singer bends over backwards to love her partner, while he barely cares.
She writes about feeling confused as to whether what she’s feeling is true: “If it’s all in my head tell me now”; and that she takes his “indiscretions all in good fun”, so as to not be seen as rude or unkind. The song’s lyrics mirror being in the final stage of gaslighting: discarding.
Gaslighting, a type of psychological manipulation that makes you question whether you can actually rely on yourself, follows three stages. First, idealisation, where the Controller puts you on a pedestal and makes you feel amazing. Second, devaluation, where the Controller then pulls you off the pedestal and treat you like you can’t do anything right. You then feel like it’s your responsibility to make things better because now you’re not being treated lovingly, you assume it’s your fault: “Where’s that man who’d throw blankets over my barbed wire? […] Drawing hearts in the byline, always taking up too much space or time.” Finally, discarding. You’re rejected and dropped as the Controller starts idealising their next victim or you again, continuing the cycle.
If these experiences resonate, consider that you are having a lucky escape and should absolutely let your partner go! Remember, your love should be celebrated. Not tolerated.
‘Delilah’ by Tom Jones
The hit Welsh rugby anthem by Tom Jones describes the singer finding his cheating partner with another man and subsequently murdering her.
“I crossed the street to her house and she opened the door / She stood there laughing / I felt the knife in my hand and she laughed no more”
In 2014, when asked about the lyrics, Jones said “I think if they’re looking into the lyric about a man killing a woman, it’s not a political statement. It’s just something that happens in life that [a] woman was unfaithful to him and he just loses it.” Unfortunately, when lyrics describing male violence towards women are casually accepted by the singer and the crowds he sings it to, it supports the idea that this behaviour is normal or justified. Violence towards women cannot and should not be casually justified, particularly when that violence extends to murder.
The song was banned for visiting choirs at Principality Stadium in Cardiff in 2023, citing the lyrics as the reason. Jones, however, told a crowd at Cardiff Castle, “Can you imagine? Who was the man who didn’t want us to sing ‘Delilah’?” and “Keep on singing it- and I’ll keep on singing it too.”
‘Happier Than Ever’ by Billie Eilish
This 2021 breakout smash single of Billie Eilish’s second album, also called Happier Than Ever, details Eilish’s experience with an emotionally abusive partner. On Spotify, Eilish shared that this song was, at that point, “the most therapeutic song I’ve ever written”, as she let out screams on the track that she’d wanted to get out “for a long time”.
A standout line is: “Never paid any mind to my mother or friends so I shut ‘em all out for you”. Isolation is a key tactic of a Keeper, the characteristic of the Controlling partner that tries to make you solely dependent on them. For example, the Keeper may text you constantly while you are with friends or family, so you are preoccupied with responding rather than being present. Your friends and family may feel like you aren’t interested in spending time with them and feel upset by your actions, or question you about it, which the Keeper can spin into persuading you they’re being unreasonable. This can be enough to drive a wedge between you and your loved ones, making you isolated from your support system.
To put simply, if you’re “happier than ever” away from your partner, there’s something very wrong with your relationship! Love is meant to be happy, not punishing.
‘Foundations’ by Kate Nash
Kate Nash’s 2007 breakout single, Foundations, tells a story of a toxic relationship that the singer knows is falling apart.
Nash writes of the partner “humiliating” her in front of their friends, calling her a b*tch, and the singer accusing her partner of drinking too much with both of them purposefully embarrassing each other.
These are all common tactics used by the Mindmixer, the characteristic of the Controller who plays mind games with you so you start to doubt your reality and your own judgement. They can sometimes choose to do this in front of your friends so that you’re under pressure to react warmly by the social setting. You wouldn’t want to ‘make a scene’ in front of your friends, would you?
Or the Mindmixer could use your friends to make you more isolated. They might charm your friends all night, so they think your partner is lovely, but afterwards your partner lies and tells you they said something cruel about you to make out that your friends don’t like you or your relationship. This can make you distant from your friends, as you might feel hurt by ‘their’ comment or protective of the relationship. The more distant you are from your support system, the more dependent you are on your partner, and the more control they have over you.
‘Cherry Wine’ by Hozier
Accompanied by a music video with Saoirse Ronan, the hit Cherry Wine tells of a physically and emotionally abusive relationship, with the singer confused as to how he can continue loving a relationship so destructive. Hozier even gave the proceeds of the single to domestic violence charities when it was released in 2016.
“Her eyes and words are so icy / Oh but she burns like rum on the fire / Hot and fast and angry as she can be / I walk my days on a wire.”
This partner is acting as the Bully, a characteristic of the Controlling partner. This is the part of the Controller that uses physical violence and aggression to abuse you. Because they look or behave in an aggressive or scary way towards you, you can feel that you have no choice but to do what they want as you are afraid of the consequences otherwise.
Some people have the belief that if their partner doesn’t punish them, they aren’t that bothered about them- that they only punish you because they care. But this is a myth. A partner only hurts you because they choose to; it is never because they care about you.
Awareness Matters is a training organisation offering trauma-informed programmes, trainings, and workshops on abuse-related issues, including intimate partner violence, teenage relationship abuse, and child to parent violence. Interested in hearing more about our work? Click to see our trainings below or continue to explore the website!